For every tear you wiped away,
I replaced it with two more.
Just to make sure you would stay
And wipe my eyes
And tell me stories
And tell me I am more
Than the rivers on my face.
April 7, 2013
April 6th, 2013
March 20, 2013
March 20th, 2013
You were the undercurrent of the season,
The summer I will never forgive and
Perpetually attempt to forget.
Like water you ran under my feet, into the streets,
You carried me out to sea
Eventually.
And I will float on the backs of every mistake,
And I’ll make a few more, just for safety’s sake;
To keep us afloat.
We will never drown again.
I’m sorry for holding your head under the water.
You flowed under me like wet sand, nature’s agent.
And through winter you froze, icicles on my eyelashes,
But that was okay. I was warm for the moment.
And spring brings you back to me, January, February,
Small deaths to make way for the eventual rain.
Now you pour down on me, and
I think I like it this way.
January 31, 2013
January 31st, 2013
You turned my blue eyes green
Right before I turned myself eighteen.
You turned away, and then I shattered.
You treated the world like nothing mattered.
Not me, not you, not the lines between us.
You didn’t care, so we grew our diseases.
January 21, 2013
January 21st, 2013
I hope you think of me.
I hope you keep me
In mind.
I hope I can derail your train
Of thought and live inside
Your ears, whispering like the rain
Which brought us joy.
I hope that same train
Collapses, rusts in that rain
And I hope your ear pops
From my presence
I hope the thought of me brings you pain, I do.
I hope you don’t feel ashamed
Of the way I kept your name buried
Under the covers and between my legs.
I hope you don’t feel ashamed
Of that, no—but writhe in your angst
For my wasted months—
The scorn that you taste
Came from my mouth.
I hope you think of me.
I hope it brings you heartache.
I hope it gives you headaches
And I hope it takes a while.
I hope your head bursts from all of the sound
Of my name on your fingers and the wine in your mouth.
I hope your heart hurts, knowing you aren’t,
And couldn’t be,
And shouldn’t try to pretend to be
The monument in front of me.
I hope your hope is drained and I hope
Your drugs don’t kill the same
Kind of pain
Like they did in the absence of my honor.
And my gain from all your suffering
Is little, if any, but fucking finally
You’ve given me something I can trust and rely on.
I hope your pain keeps running for a while, and
I hope your pain runs you into the ground.
I hope your pain lives in every sound you hear.
I hope you think of me, because I don’t keep you near.
January 21, 2013
November 27th, 2012
I am in love with a lovely man
And sometimes he comes over
And we put our skin together for the sake of making heat.
I am in love with his softness,
Though it often gets caught
On all of my rough edges.
I am in love with his time,
Mostly when it’s spent with me.
He keeps my hours company.
I am in love with each of his years,
Twenty-three more than I can say I’ve known him
And been in love with the prospect
Of twenty-three more.
January 21, 2013
December 27th, 2012
Every day a broken heart,
Broken voices, broken parts.
every day a newfound loss
Of time, patience, or empathy
I’m not lost without you but with you I am found
And I’m homeless when you walk away from me,
Beaten when you block the doorway
With your weight, your “wait” and your “leave me alone,”
every time I cry, I get closer to home.
January 21, 2013
December 16th, 2012
In the haze I awoke to the sound of your voice.
I’m sorry to say you were jarring and dissonant.
In the haze I dreamt of your hand on my thigh,
But I sense that was lost to consciousness.
January 21, 2013
December 10th, 2012
Here it comes again, the bullet fragment blues,
Because you’re so goddamn brilliant and it breaks my fucking heart.
I am selfish, self-concerned, self-absorbed and maladjusted
To loving someone like you, so bold and bursting with all the things you wish you knew.
I am not fit for loving you, as we’ve both successfully proved.
There are others much better, much more cultured and improved.
I cannot, and could never, give you everything you need.
But the catch is I don’t try. Not any longer, at least.
And neither do you, much to no one’s dismay.
Why do I reciprocate your absence with violets against the grey?
January 21, 2013
December 2nd, 2012
Found the cloak of your love
Draped over my shoulders
Like the fleece blanket shielding my slumber
On a rainy Sunday morning.
It wasn’t warmth I sought,
Nor cold I fought,
But I bathed in the sentiment of your safety
Before waking up.
January 21, 2013
December 11th, 2012
(inspired by this post)
A Haiku For Every Person I’ve Fucked
1. Not that it stopped us,
But my fourteen-year-old self
Still lies about you.
2. You cheated on me
And that hurt much more than you
Barely inside me.
3. We met in sixth grade.
Your meekness was endearing
Until you choked me.
3.5. We never did fuck,
Though you were in me so long.
Benefits, indeed.
4. Vocabulary.
That’s all we had in common.
Didn’t use it much.
5. My drunken laughter
Echoes in my mind sometimes
At the thought of you.
6. After the build-up,
The tension broke down and died.
I don’t miss you now.
7. My lucky number.
The summer spread us apart.
I came back for you.
8. Are you eighteen now?
Royalty between my legs,
I forgot to ask.
9. I took a deep breath
Before writing this haiku.
No more can be said.
January 21, 2013
November 29th, 2012
Who knows what
From this you might take,
But you were my best case
Of too little too late.
January 21, 2013
November 13th, 2012
I tell him,
“I’ve lost my motivation.”
He says, “Find it.”
I tell him,
“I have no time to do what I want.”
He says,
“Yes you do. You’re always doing what you want.
I tell him,
“Everything is so tedious.”
He says, “It won’t always be.”
He tells me,
“Life is long.”
I tell him
He is wrong.
January 21, 2013
November 5th, 2012
Remember the last time we spoke in September?
Remember the phone call that made me rain?
Remember your clouded eyes? My ire and your disdain?
Remember how easy it was to touch
But harder to look in the eyes?
Remember what we wanted? God, we wanted it so much.
December 21, 2012
November 4th, 2012
I want to take you across the world with me
And fuck you in every country.I want to know the mountains of Mongolia
Sculpted to mimic the pitches of our moansAnd the rivers of Venice will trickle
Not unlike your sweat on my stomachI want to fuck you across the world.
These trips across our bedrooms aren’t enough.
December 21, 2012
November 3rd, 2012
I’m not calling you a liar,
But lie here with me.
I’m not calling you a deserter,
But soak yourself in my company.
I think you might need it.
Take your rest within me.
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